How to say goodbye at drop-off

A goodbye at the classroom door goes better when it's short and the same every day. Build a routine of three or four steps, teach it to your child before school starts, and keep using it on the mornings your child won't let go.

Build a routine with three or four steps

Children handle a separation more easily when they know exactly what will happen. Pick a few steps that take less than a minute in total, and do them in the same order every morning.

Here's a sample routine for a three- or four-year-old:

1. Your child hangs up their own coat and changes their shoes.
2. You give one hug and one kiss, or whatever physical goodbye your family uses.
3. You say the same sentence every day: "I love you. I'll see you after lunch."
4. Your child walks to the guide, and you walk out the door.

If you add a signal, such as a wave through the window, use it every day. Avoid steps that depend on something outside your control, like "We'll wait until your friend arrives."

Tell your child when you'll return in terms of the day, since young children don't read clocks. "After lunch" or "after outside time" works better than "at noon." Then keep the promise. Being on time at pickup is part of the routine.

Teach the routine before the first day

Practice at home for a week before school starts. Use your own front door, a bedroom door or the door of a family member's house.

• Walk through each step with your child, out loud: "First you hang your coat. Then we hug. Then I say 'I'll see you after lunch,' and I go."
• Leave for a few minutes, then come back and say, "I came back, just like I said."

On the first school morning, tell your child in the car or on the walk exactly what will happen at the door. Use the same words you practiced.

What to say, and what to leave out

Keep your words at the door brief and certain.

Things that help:

• "I'm going now. I'll see you after lunch."
• "Your guide is right here. She'll help you find a work."
• "I know you want me to stay. It's time for me to go. I'll be back after lunch."

Things that tend to make goodbyes longer:

• Asking permission to leave: "Is it okay if Mommy goes now?" This hands the decision to your child.
• Promising a treat for not crying.
• Sneaking out while your child is distracted. Your child may spend the morning watching the door.
• Coming back in after you've left because you heard crying.

If you feel unsure, keep your voice and face calm anyway.

The mornings it falls apart

Even with a good routine, there will be mornings when your child clings to your leg, cries hard, or refuses to go in. These often come after a weekend, a holiday, an illness or a change at home, such as a new sibling or a move.

When it happens:

1. Stay calm and stick to the steps. Do the hug and say your sentence, in the same words.
2. Hand your child to the guide. Guides in a Montessori classroom do this often. Let the guide take your child's hand or lift them if your school allows it.
3. Leave. Walk out at a normal pace, without looking back several times.
4. Check in once if you need to. Many schools are happy for you to call or message the office once mid-morning to ask how your child is doing. Ask your school what it prefers.

If hard mornings continue for more than a week or two, talk to your child's guide at a time when your child isn't present. Useful questions include:

• How long does the crying last after I leave?
• What does my child do for the rest of the morning?
• Is there a job my child could do on arrival, such as feeding the fish or watering a plant?
• Would a different drop-off person help for a while?

A job on arrival works well for many children. It gives your child something to walk toward once you've said goodbye.

After pickup

The goodbye routine has a second half. When you pick your child up, greet them before you do anything else. Put your phone away, get down to their height and say hello.

Keep questions simple. "I missed you. Let's go home" is enough for most days. If your child wants to talk about the morning, they'll tell you, often at bath time or bedtime.

Then do the same routine again tomorrow, with the same words.