Leading a conference when you have a concern to share

Pick one concern before the meeting, and only one. A child might be struggling to choose work, pushing other children at the snack table, and avoiding the language shelf all at once, but a parent can't take in 3 worries in 20 minutes and still help with any of them. Choose the one that shapes the child's morning the most. Write the others in your notes for a follow-up meeting or the spring conference.

Gather an example you saw yourself

A parent can picture a concern when you describe a moment. Go back through your observation notes and find 2 or 3 dated entries that show it. Pick the clearest one to say out loud, and keep the rest in the folder in case the parent asks for more.

Describe what you saw, with the day and the work:

"On Tuesday during the work cycle, he took out the pink tower, carried 2 cubes to his rug and left them there. For the next 40 minutes he walked between 4 shelves without choosing anything."

Leave out conclusions such as "He has trouble focusing."

Write down what you've already tried in the classroom and what happened each time. If you invited the child to a lesson right after arrival and he stayed with the work longer on those days, that belongs in the meeting.

Before you sit down, decide what the classroom will change. You'll offer that first, then ask the parent for help.

Open with the child you know

Spend the first few minutes on what the child does well, with the same kind of detail you'll use for the concern.

"Thank you for coming in. I'd like to start with what [child] has been doing in the classroom this month. She goes to the practical life shelf on her own every morning. Last week she polished the brass bowl from start to finish and put every piece back on the tray."

Then say clearly that a concern is coming.

"There's also something I've been watching that I'd like to talk through with you."

Raise the concern in four steps

1. Name it in one sentence. "I've noticed [child] is having a hard time choosing work and staying with it."
2. Give the example. Read it from your notes, with the day and the work.
3. Say what you've tried. "On the days I give him a lesson in his first 10 minutes, he stays with the work for much longer."
4. Ask. "Do you see anything like this at home?"

Then stop talking. Let the silence run until the parent fills it, and write down what they say. What a parent sees at home often explains what you see in the classroom: a later bedtime, a new sibling, a change in the morning routine.

Have a sentence ready for the common reactions.

• The parent disagrees. "That's helpful to know. He may well be different at home. I can only tell you what I see here, and I'd like us to keep an eye on it together."
• The parent is upset. Pause. Offer a tissue or a glass of water. "Take your time. We don't have to rush this."
• The parent asks if something is wrong with their child. Don't diagnose. "I can describe what I see in the classroom. If you'd like someone to look at it more closely, your pediatrician is the right person to ask, and I'm happy to write down what I've observed for that visit."

Leave out words like "lazy", "behind", "disruptive" and "always". Describe what the child did instead.

Close with one next step

End with a single plan that has a part for the classroom and a part for home. Propose it, then ask whether it works for the family.

"Here's what I'd suggest. I'll invite him to a lesson within his first 10 minutes each morning. Could you aim to have him here by 8:30, so he gets the start of the work cycle? Does that seem doable?"

If the parent suggests something different and it's reasonable, use their plan.

Before the parent leaves:

• Read the plan back in one or two sentences.
• Set a date to check in, usually three to four weeks out, and put it in both calendars.
• Tell the parent how you'll share what you see before then: a short message after two weeks, a note at pickup, or a phone call.

Write a short summary the same day and send it to the family. Include the concern in one sentence, the example, the plan and the check-in date. Keep a copy in the child's file with the observation notes you used.

At the check-in, start with what has changed since the conference, using the same kind of dated example you used to raise the concern.